Here’s a list of everything Klout thinks I am influential about

I wish I could say I’m probably the only one who still checks their Klout sore (53.92 as of 2/14) but I know that isn’t true. All of us who consider ourselves social media savvy love having some sort of score card to showoff. But this score is kept by a bot that doesn’t really understand how the Internet, much less social media works. So, without further ado, here are the 13 topics Klout thinks I am “Influential” about. The kernel from this post grew from a since removed claim from Kloutbot that I was influential about “White People”

  1. Tim Tebow; According to Klout my influence about the Second Coming is “medium”, which is the strongest influence I seem to have. I attribute this to a few tweets and RTs sent almost a month ago about Gridion Savior
  2. Textbook: Another Medium, this is the first (of many) to have me at a loss. I really don’t remember tweeting or ever mentioning Textbooks. I don’t know why I would, I’m not in college nor have I bought a textbook since I graduated.
  3. Football: Medium. This actually makes some speck of sense. I tweet a lot about football and other sports. But I don’t know if I am ‘influential” I’m not sure anyone cares about my thoughts on UTEPs solid recruiting class.
  4. Cancer: Some people have called me one. I think it sucks. So, yea.
  5. Politics: Despite my attempts at escape, I still find myself tweeting about politics and most of my followers are people I have met through politics. So, not too far off. Why this is below Textbooks and Tebow is something for KloutBot to explain
  6. Denver Broncos: See Tebow.
  7. Ron Paul: See Politics, also Paultards are rabit RTers so any time you mention him you’re sure to get one or two, even from people who do not follow you
  8. Money: I have none, though I very rarely tweet about it.
  9. Zombies: I take our impending Zombiepocalypse very seriously, but I keep most of those theories to myself, for obvious reasons.
  10. Homelessness: No clue
  11. Photography: Maybe its based on pictures I’ve taken that have been RTd
  12. Vistaprint: Literally ONE tweet asking for suggestions got a response from a friend suggesting Vistaprint. That is it.

 

Here are some topics I would imagined I would be influential on but apparently am not.

 

 

2012
02/14
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Manterest: A (nearly) complete list of ways dudes can use Pinterest

Pinterest. You know, that website that lady you took to Chilis keeps yammering about with her “wedding board” that is “Oh, just for fun, you know just stuff to keep in mind for my FRIENDS WEDDINGS”. That website  that one annoying, vapaid overweight girl you went to high school with ( Obviously there is more than one, but lets just narrow it down) uses to “pin”^ photos of dresses she will never wear and cupcakes she is too lazy to cook. That website where that girl who tried to “save” you in the cafeteria constantly posts meaningless and out of context Bible quotes onto her “Inspiration” board in between pictures of which beds spread she wants (the “My Husbands Bed” board) ? Yea. That one.

Well, Pinterest actually has applications beyond clothes,cupcakes,quotes and pictures of shirtless Ryan Kwanten. A fact finding mission has found that Pinterest can be used by dudes in completely legitimate ways that don’t sacrifice masculinity.

  • Pictures of hot chicks: Most of these models that your lady friends’ are pinning pictures in clothes they can’t afford are really hot. So, why not pin them to a “Beautiful Women” board? Also, great way to find clothes for the lady friend (more on that later)
  • Food: While approx. 95% of food posted to Pinterest is diabetes inducing, there is still plenty of space to post BBQ styles, chili recipes, Beer Porn (a board I have), and massively disgustinglydelicious creations and bacon. Because who doesn’t get off to bacon? Weirdo Vegans, that’s who! And yes, you will get the occasional “VEGAN CHEESECAKE” recipe pinned by that one chick you took Intro to Human Rights with*.
  • Workout routines: Every once in a while, one of the cupcake cueens will post a “6 weeks to killer abs” routine. That and various diy cardio and weight-training workouts. The Internet is no doubt making us fatter, but you can at least show people you are THINKING about working out. Women do love a man who works out (right?)
  • Building shit: Men like to build things,yea? Hammers and nails and superglue and welding and shit? Well yea, there is lots of crafty shit you can learn to build from Pinterest. Stuff like bird houses and bird baths and credenzas (whats a credenza?)  that will get you Instalaid. insta.laid.
  • Random cutesy shit for your ladyfriend: Girls love surprises! And what lady doesn’t like to be surprised with something they mentioned off-hand once to their boyfriend while they passed that one store that one Saturday. Well Pinterest is all of those store fronts. All organized for you. You literally can not screw this up. Just buy her the damn bird necklace and receive your sexings.
  • Clothes,I guess?: I don’t know. I am like a 5 year old or a person my age with some sort of severe social disability. Nearly all of my clothes are bought and picked out by women in my life. My only request is dark tones and long sleeve t-shirts for the winter, in dark colors. But if you spend more than 30 seconds dressing every morning and your concerns move beyond “Does this smell and/or have a large visible stain on it?” then perhaps you can use this to find some jeans with weird pockets or dress shirts with those needlessly thick collars and cuffs.

I’m sure I’ll think of more. Anything I forgot, be sure and add in the comments.

 

 

^Pin is Pinterest speak for share or post

* All of the hypothetical women I am referencing are just that, hypothetical. Though some are more based on facts than others. 

2012
02/13
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Hunter and the Soshified.

So there I was, just walking around Union Square looking for something to eat. Not really “minding my own business” but you know…minding. I walk next to the Best Buy and I see a line wrapping around the store. As far as I know there isn’t some big game or console coming out. Curious, I walk along the line and I see the majority of the crowd is Asian, holding signs that-thanks to my History of Korea class (shoutout to Professor Kirk Larsen!)- I can tell are written in Korean. Walking further, I can see the excitement in everyones’ eyes. They are waiting to see someone. Walking behind the store, I see a bus marked “Girls Generation” and I am startled by screams as a group of young girls is pushed away from the bus by a few bouncers. Noticing this odd bit of culture, I fire off a tweet:

and then I come home to this:

Keep track here: https://twitter.com/#!/whpatterson/status/165228495809683457 (it was at 100 at posting)

Another tweet, where I shared a screenshot when it was 45 RTs is currently at 15 retweets.

After doing some research, I have found out that Girls Generation is a Korean Pop group composed of 9 (nine!?) 20-22 year old women. They are huge in South Korea, Japan (they’ve recorded an album in Japanese) and are now poised to take America. In Korea they are also known as Soshi or SNSD and their fans refer to themselves as “Soshified”. This week they performed on Letterman and Kelly Rippa. This is their invasion tour. So not too far off from the Beatles, minus the musical skills. It sounds so much like American processed ‘pop’ that it just firms up my theory that all Top 40 music is generated by a supercomputer which resides in Korea.

Don’t take my word for it,here is a their hit song “RunDevilRun” take note of cleverly inserted English phrases (ex: “guess a number” “perfume” “super playboy”)

 

 

2012
02/02
CATEGORY
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Two Weeks Hate: Clam Chowder is Gross.

I placed a jar in Tennessee, 
And round it was, upon a hill. 
It made the slovenly wilderness 
Surround that hill.

-first stanza Wallace Stevens, Anecdote of the Jar

Red and white. Tomato and cream. New York and New England. Two chowders enter.

Both are disgusting. Clams are oysters for hobos and bastard orphans. Putting them in a slurry of tomatoes or cream with various spices and potatoes do not make them any less disgusting. It, other than inter-ethnic racism, is pretty much the only two things that united the peoples of New York and New England. Here are some soups/stews/chilis/other better than clam chowders

  • Chili (con carne, no beans)
  • Chili (con carne, no beans no tomatoes)
  • Chili (con carne y frijoles)
  • Chili (Cincinnati style)
  • Gumbo
  • Chicken noodle soup
  • Tomato basil sou
  • Mulligatawny
  • Split Pea
  • Stone
  • Italian Wedding
  • Snot Stew
2012
02/01
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Two Weeks: Tiquan channels Kid n Play

I sat upon the shore  
Fishing, with the arid plain behind me  
Shall I at least set my lands in order?

- T.S. Eliot, The Wasteland 423-425

There is a trend among NFL players (mostly African-American) to shave crazy-ass designs into their heads. Why this is becoming big in a sport that requires a large all-encasing helmet is one of the reasons I am not a professional athlete (that and my man boobs) So of course, Greatariot Tiquan Underwood decided to go big for the Big Game in Indianapolis (we aren’t allowed to say the S*per B0w1 for $ reasons)

Christopher  Reid called, Tiquan. He is mad that you brought back this horrible haircut.

2012
01/30
CATEGORY
Two Weeks' Hate: Super Bowl edition
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Two Weeks Hate: Misc.

So, I know I’ve been going really weird recently,but there is a lot we Cowboys’ fans have to deal with. At least we aren’t Redskins fans. I mean, is there a worse owner in ALL of sports than Dan Snyder? I guess whoever owns the Pirates because they intentionally suckify their team in order to turn a profit. But how man other’s spend gobs of money as poorly and piss off fans and former players as much as Dan Snyder? No. he is probably the world’s worst. That being said, I would trade Jerry for him. 

Some brief thoughts:

  • Tom Brady is at both times cool and also a dick. Like leaving his pregnant wife for a model. Though, upon further review is that dickish?
  • Michael Strahan’s entire post-NFL career is worthy of shame.
  • Craig James played for the Patriots.
  • Jam Fassel’s post-NFL career
  • Wes Welker is probably the greatest Red Raider of all time (obviously not a dig, just a note to include)
  • Your weekly reminder that David Tyree is a homophobe.
  • Eli Manning isn’t allowed near sharp or shiny objects.
  • Tom Coughlin has the Northeast’s largest collection of Nazi memorabilia.
  • Brandon Jacobs once ate an entire Golden Corral closed
  • Did you know the Giants actually play in New Jersey?
  • Did you know that the Patriots actually play in some town called Foxboro? Sounds made up
  • Indianapolis is a miserable city. Enjoy playing the game of your lives’ there.
2012
01/29
CATEGORY
Two Weeks' Hate: Super Bowl edition
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Two weeks hate: How many hookers has Bill Belichick killed?

Call this sour grapes or just pure hate, but for the next two weeks I’ll be sharing disgusting, stupid and downright hateful things done by the Patriots, the Giants and their fans. So, I took yesterday off. Call it a day of reflection. I went to the pond in Central Park and skipped a few rocks pretending the water a deep, unexplored chasm that holds my pain. The sixth rock I threw ricocheted off a tree and hit me square in the forehead. I woke up sometime later to a man tapping me on the shoulder. It was Tom Landry. He was in his trademark suit and fedora. “Coach Landry, it is a honor…why are you here”? I asked. ” I am here to bring good news, Hunter” The infamous apparently immortal coach said to me. ” I am here to tell you that all is well”. I fell through a deep,unending darkness. I was afraid but then I looked to my right and there was Moose, to my left D-Ware. Peace. 

There is a great deal not to like about the Hooded One that has nothing to do with his coaching. He banged some  dude’s wife. He is also a fan of Bon Jovi. But what really concerns me is the disgusting, disturbing and completely unture rumor that Bill Belichick has murdered almost two dozen hookers. Perhaps even more. There is a rumor that he sacrificially cuts up a call girl “to the football gods” before every playoff game. So the number is at least 23 if not more. This would put him in the likes of Ted Bundy, Green River and BTK. He must be stopped. Either him or this completely false, libelous and unsubstantiated rumor. How many hookers has Bill Belichick sent into the vast eternity to please his non-existent football gods? The world my never truly know.

2012
01/27
CATEGORY
Two Weeks' Hate: Super Bowl edition
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Wednesday Hypothetical: Seriously, who wins this game?

I think if I could say one thing to Jerry Jones and he have to answer is fully and honestly it would be: “Why didn’t you let Jimmy run the team?”. I know the answer, but I want him to admit that he’s an egomaniac. My second question (if granted) would probably deal with which one of his sons he would sacrifice for a Super Bowl. My money is on Jerry Jr. 

So. Non-fans of these two storied, hated, idiotic franchises. Who ya got? Giants or Patriots.

2012
01/25
CATEGORY
Two Weeks' Hate: Super Bowl edition
Wednesday Hypothetical
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Two Weeks Hate: Everyone from Boston is racist and violent (probably)

Call this sour grapes or just pure hate, but for the next two weeks I’ll be sharing disgusting, stupid and downright hateful things done by the Patriots, the Giants and their fans. Reflecting on everything that I went through yesterday with the violent crying into a Q-Car jersey and screaming at the nice lady who works the season ticket hotline for the Cowboys (once again, I am very sorry what I said about you, your boss and your country of origin, Maria) I’ve come to a very important conclusion. Its not my fault. Hunter it isn’t your fault that Jerry can’t draft well in the late rounds. I know. Its not your fault that he puppeteers his coaches .Yes, I get it  Hunter Its not our fault Alan Ball is a starter. Don’t fuck with me Hunter!  *I begin to sob again -violently of course- into my own shoulder.* 

OK, this crying shit has GOT to stop.. ON TO THE HATE!!

Every time some snooty Masshole tries to tell me the South is filled with racists, I remind them that there are plenty of violent racists in Boston and some even have quite the flair for ironic weaponry:

Here are some motivated and patriotic young Bostonians taking the sharp end of Ol’Glory and sticking to black activist Theodore Landsmark. Why were these people attacking Landsmark? Because he was advocating for the end of racial segregation in Boston schools. Landsmark survived the attack, but many others did not (white and black). Now of course, these and other incidents (like one school requiring 500 police to guard it) are just isolated and in no way mean that everyone white person in Southie really hates and fear dahkies. It is also probably a coincidence that all Patriots fans’ favorite players are white and that accomplishments of any black Patriot (with the exception of Fat Albert-esque Vince Wilfork) get pushed to the back of the bus of praise so Wes,Julian and Danny can be the stars. Yea, probably just one BIG ol’cowinkydink,right?

2012
01/24
CATEGORY
Two Weeks' Hate: Super Bowl edition
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Two Weeks Hate: David Tyree would trade “the Catch” to make sure gays can’t marry.

Call this sour grapes or just pure hate, but for the next two weeks I’ll be sharing disgusting, stupid and downright hateful things done the Patriots and the Giant. Why? Because I am a bitter, sad Cowboys fans and  Giants and Patriots fans are incredibly annoying. Did I mention the sad,bitter and hateful part? I can’t emphasize that enough. This entire football season has been depressing. I’m thinking of pitching a tent in front of Cowboys Stadium and not leaving until Jerry Jones gives up his GM position (one of us is going first Jerry!). This is a coping mechanism, OK? My mom says people only tear down others because they are insecure and need to build themselves up artificially. She is 100% correct. I want other fans to suffer the way I have. I want their owner to not change a single player on defense and then blame the shitty season on his new DC whose scheme actually improved the shit talent he was forced to work with. Gerald Sensabaugh, really? Come on Jerry. Why didn’t you make a real effort to get Nnamdi? You want me to suffer don’t you? After all these years, after Campo,C-Hutch and Marty B you think I deserve to suffer more? WHAT DO YOU WANT JERRY? TELL ME!!! I BESEECH YOU!! WHAT SIN MUST I ATTONE FOR?! I DID LIKE THOSE THREE SUPERBOWLS! WHAT MORE?!? TELL ME!!!!!! **runs into the corner and sobs uncontrollably into a Quincy Carter jersey**

…sorry, got a bit carried away.. ONTO THE HATE!!

David Tyree, hero of Super Bowl XLII. Everyone knows about “The Catch” , a play where Tyree really used his head (ha!). But what you might not know is that since retiring, Tyree has become a strong advocate for Tradition Married (translation: fighting Same Sex Marriage) stating that he would trade the Super Bowl win and his game-saving catch if it meant that same sex couples wouldn’t be allowed to marry. He even did this interview with NOM (National Organizaton of Marriage), stating his strong opposition:

So, there he is Giants fans. The man who made sure you took down the evil Patriots would give it all back to keep it Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve. Should we separate the athlete and his personal life? In most cases, absolutely. But when he uses his fame as a platform to support state-sponsored discrimination and to wish for that to happen at the expense of his and his teammates’ accomplishments, he deserves to be made an object of ridicule.

2012
01/23
CATEGORY
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